I feel less apologetic nowadays. I try to live my life my way without the influence of everyone around me. It’s not easy; it would seem that everyone feels that they can live your life better than you. The truth is though, that I believe we always know what’s best and as you get older, I think it becomes easier to listen to yourself. At least that is the case with me.
Along with aging, the sudden realization of mortality hangs over you. There are so many things that I still want to do and every year I feel like my time is limited. Over the last 4 years I have suffered from panic attacks. They are quite debilitating at times, you want to push everyone away, they become difficult to control and no one around you tends to understand them. I have been on and off medication and over the last few months (off medication) they have gotten worse. I have even ended up in the hospital twice because I couldn’t get them under control without the use of a sedative.
It’s not the way I imagined 30 to be like. I always supposed I’d have my shit together by now, but life always throws you curve balls. I guess the difference between now and 5-10 years ago, is that then, I wouldn’t have been able to handle what life has thrown at me. I feel more level-headed and still ambitious. I can always see the light at the end of the tunnel, and to me, that’s the best part of aging.